Fuckin' Decisions

Silence.

Fri, 08 Feb 2013 01:05:29 -0500

Silence is what I have learned to walk around with. Hiding my eyes away from the world so they don’t see how broken my soul and spirit are. I have no one to talk to. No where to turn. God please I beg for all of this to go away. I’m in hell. Everyone around me is so happy and that’s where I draw my happiness from but lately it’s not enough. Everyone around me is so unfair. When do I get to be happy again? Is that even possible. I just want to go away to mars Jupiter anywhere else but here. I want to leave my body behind my bad memories, my mistakes, my regrets. Everything. I’m tired of just venting. I don’t get my wishes my hopes my dreams all I get is hell as my punishment for wanting happiness. I prayed, begged and screamed for you God to help me. Why do I get this? Where did I go wrong… It would’ve been time now. Sooner or later. But I guess I will never know. All I wanted was us. Instead I get treated like scum by everyone. I don’t understand. But silence is all I can give people because I’m too nice to share my pains with anyone because in the end when I die all of this will be insignificant to anyone but me. I’m the one that cared. Everything else was just an illusion. RIP my baby mommy still loves you even though I will never get to hold you hear you breath laugh or grow up you will always be in my thoughts my prayers and in my life.

Sleeping baby <3

Sun, 21 Oct 2012 05:08:56 -0400

Sleeping baby <3

Bumpie :)

Thu, 18 Oct 2012 18:13:31 -0400

Bumpie :)

Photo

Wed, 17 Oct 2012 16:01:17 -0400

:)

Wed, 10 Oct 2012 19:48:45 -0400

Doing much better! I’m not going to care about him anymore I tried everything. If he doesn’t want us tough luck because I want myself and my baby. I can stay positive thanks to my amazing friends and family. I feel so blessed to have such caring and loving people around me. I really feel their love and support radiating from their messages and texts and calls everything! For me and my baby! Thank you so mucho! Last night I got the crap kicked out of me by none other than my child to be but it is all worth it because it’s letting me know that it’s there and it is thankful for everything that I am doing for us. All the pain tears blood and sweat are all worth it! I would never push my situation onto my worst enemy because it does suck a lot but I will prevail! :] Just keep us in your heart, thoughts and prayers and everything will be fine. God and the universe have a plan for us! <3

terrible heartache

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 19:50:59 -0400

The best relationship of my life has ended. Why? Well because I’m pregnant and he doesn’t want it. I have begged and screamed and kicked about it but this is it. There is nothing I can do. *sigh* I have a little tiny me and him inside of me and the only person that is unhappy about it is him. Why God? Why? I have prayed. I have done the impossible. I have been patient but everyday I just feel like giving up and not trying anymore and then I feel a little flutter, a little kick… My Baby moving inside of me. I will not kill you my child. I am sorry for even considering it for your selfish daddy. Of course I will never tell you that ever. I have saved a life and I am proud. But why am I still so sad and lonely. I have no one. Alone. It sucks. Totally sucks to the fullest. But people say I’m strong…. Am I? I don’t know anymore all I know is that I am pregnant and it has ended my relationship because my love does not wish to have a little him and me running around in this world yet. Please! Stop! I love you so much. I hope you know that. You probably already do since you always see me crying for you. I wish I could change the way things happened. Change your mind, me getting pregnant, falling for you, meeting you, my existence. I want to leave this world go somewhere where heartache does not exists. I thought I had felt heartache but no, I was wrong unfortunately. Thing that sucks the most is that I still have to stay here with him because I have no place else to go. Or I just don’t want to give up on him but he lays besides my in my bed in our home not speaking a word to me. Doesn’t touch me. Doesn’t look at me. What did I do wrong? Was I such a horrible person. This baby is yours please love me and it. I just want to know that you love me too and that you also feel somewhat of a heartache. Theres nothing there he’s like a robot but worse. I don’t know what to do. I guess I just have to keep putting my pokerface to the world and act like it doesn’t phase me but it does. I don’t know how I will make it out alive out of this big dark hole. LOVE. That’s what it takes to kill me. I’m so stupid for thinking he would still love me if I aborted. Thank God I saved my baby. I love my baby. I won’t let anything like this happen to you. I will protect you and love you since I couldn’t get your father to understand. Instead he walked away from me. Am I wrong? I miss him. His lips on mine his breath his voice his smile. I still love you. I’m sorry for not aborting but I promise it was because I felt like it was the right thing to do. I will always miss you but I hope my little angel will bring my heartache to an end. Please don’t abort children they also hurt. But I will make it. I promise. Through this terrible heartache.

Damn.

Fri, 20 May 2011 01:44:53 -0400

People are shady… I hate that.

I hate it i hate it i hate it!!

Sat, 07 May 2011 02:18:19 -0400

I hate it i hate it i hate it!!

you're back?? :D

Tue, 15 Feb 2011 02:48:34 -0500

Kinda lol back for more!! ahh I’ll jus post random crap im not great at writing… >.<

Valentine? wth

Tue, 15 Feb 2011 02:46:33 -0500

well here I am writing during the last minuets of Valentines Day. My first post in a while! I doubt any one really reads this but its a good place to get your daily shit out. I am listening to Valentine by Kina Grannis as I write this. Great super corniie song :) I hope that most of us had a wonderful day today but really treat each and every day like a special one you never know when one of your loved ones my not be there. Agh skittles are good!! Well Happy Valentines Day!! To all my sweet hearts you know who you are ;)

Love your dearest Elida<3

In response to your, "hang out with someone" haha I would want to, just some one. & it's not my birthday yet. But thanks for the early greeting! I since this is a ASK YOU something I figure I should... How's everything where the grass is much greener?

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 01:56:16 -0400

haha oh my bad… earlyfied birthday i guess. umm the grass is not always as green as u may think it is, there’s always the good and the bad days. But everything is pretty much the same stuff just my money seems to go away much quicker then usual and I still don’t live on my own…

jacky

Thu, 05 Aug 2010 14:21:46 -0400

wait wait i have to tell u a secret. I love you.

...

Sat, 17 Jul 2010 05:31:48 -0400

i didn tell you about how much i cried about last night bcus i was just too embarrassed

working out

Sun, 27 Jun 2010 02:35:59 -0400

oh how I enjoy exercise its the best even tho you might be sore the next day you will know that you did something great with your body :)

pretty lame but I love it.

oh btw redline princess is the shiza!

best day

Tue, 08 Jun 2010 02:48:07 -0400

luckiest day/ best day $100 found on the floor!!!! ahh

PLAYED.

Fri, 04 Jun 2010 03:00:15 -0400

one who thinks that all is right and get stuck in the end with ~~nothing~~.

when a guy makes you think he ~~loves~~ you, ~~fucks~~ you, and then doesnt talk to you.

Made a ~~fool~~ of, chumped, taken advantage of.
DAMN. :(

Kingdom of Discovery...

Fri, 04 Jun 2010 02:50:34 -0400

So yesterday I discovered something at discovery Kingdom…

That Medusa wanted my damn Iphone. First ride of the day cindy is worried about her phone falling out I tell her don’t worry it won’t fall just keep it tight in your pocket. As we get on the ride I’m worried about my glasses falling off. I grabbed them the whole ride and didn’t even remember the Iphone. WOW. As I get off I check for my phone. Nothing. WOW. I freak out and look for it everywhere and there is absolutely nothing. I think I was more pissed off at the fact that I had lost my phone on the first ride I had gone on in the day then it being my Iphone. Whats ironic its that I had just gotten my phone fixed the day before…. haha. WEll I kinda let it ruin part of my day and through out the day I would throw random tantrums and kick something (I even kicked a plant that that was the same height of me it kinda hurt after wards though). I pretty much did not txt all day. sucked. I hate not having a phone I feel naked!!! Sucks being so attached to something materialistic!

Anyways besides the Iphone getting lost the rest of the day was pretty funny. Cindy was looking for Corey for about 2 hours straight asking everyone we knew to tell him that she was looking for him. The reason was because she wanted to go on the skydive ride and we needed one more person. She knew for sure that he would do it and if he did it I would feel a little safer. So she finally found him by roar and she screamed and started running towards him I felt my stomach drop because I knew that now I would have to go on the stupid ride. We went all the way to the ride and we paid for our deaths wahhhhh. I was so nervous I couldn’t content my self. That shit was so fucking huge!!! I kept watching the people going on the ride and how nervous they were feeling the near death experience. OMG!!! They called our names and said we were next ahhhh…. I was trying to think of my final words but I couldn’t think of anything. There were so many things rushing to my head and I was just blabbing like an idiot. WORD VOMIT. I was freaking out!! But I am pretty sure that Corey and Cindy were to. Cindy was the one to pull the thing that would let us go free and soar in to the sky. AAAAAHHHHH. As we went up I saw a flamingo and in my moment of desperation I screamed look its a fucking flamingo! We couldn’t hear when they told us to pull the rope and Cindy was really impatient she wanted to pull the rope all ready. She kept screaming can I pull it now! She pulled it and I just screamed at the top of my lungs surpassingly I didn’t pee my pants. but it was fun…

I also discovered that someone still has the power to make me smile a lot! :)

Well yea thats all

cant help

Wed, 02 Jun 2010 03:05:16 -0400

i can’t help but feel this immense loneliness why?… what am I missing?..

help me out!!! maybe 2maro will help….. ;)

DISconnectted.

Mon, 26 Apr 2010 04:00:27 -0400

12:14am barely any signs of high school life are shown to me at this point. I pretty much have no absolute clue as to what is going on in California. Its weird… 0_o

I in a sense don’t mind it and don’t agree with it but it is what it is and as of now I will allow my self to just drift on to the course of life and let it take me where I belong. I am tired of forcing things to occur in my life even if I think they are spontaneous I some how have had a way of making it happen so in reality I totally forced the situation to happen. I guess in order for me to feel in sync with everything else I first have to disconnect and let go.

12:21am I have no clue what I do with my friendships but I have noticed that I am easily forgotten or replaced or any thing that has to do with the “un-noticing” or “un-wanting” fact of Elida Benitez but only occurs in friends. I think its a syndrome that occurs to people over the course of time that we spend together. I am honestly very much not appreciated and so forgotten that I am practically used to the term loner. Doesn’t bother me at this point. Maybe I am so disconnectted always but have never noticed it.

12:27am Wow. I am not gunna sleep tonight I don’t think. I have decided that the web does not “keep you connected” on the contrary sometimes it pulls you away farther and makes you realize how much society is really disconnected from each other. Talking about eHarmony “oh I met the love of my life and we have been married since then” um that could have ended up in such a different situation… what happened to the meeting someone face to face and acknowledge the fact that if life wants it to happen that person will make a life time of wonderful experiences for you good and bad. Not some sick machine paring you up and forcing life to happen… are we being brain washed into thinking that technology will help us when in reality it fucks us over.

12:46am different states seem sooo much better in a way other than California I guess thats just my opinion. I guess its just because I get disconnected from the world I am forced to be in HELL.

12:50am Maybe I shall remain disconnected from California and stay away from it after all it won’t miss me.

12:51am …….blank. no words can decipher what runs through my head my mind my body my soul my heart… blah blah lala nuts and bolts build things but can you make them work?…. >.<

12:56am disconnection from the rest of the world makes the mind feel sane at times. Maybe thats why when people pass away they have reached heaven because they are no longer connected to the world and finally they are completely sane O^o….(?)

12:59am well time to disconnect goodbye. X_X……(sane)

hey tumblr

Thu, 22 Apr 2010 16:54:41 -0400

hi my name is Elida. i like long walks on the desert. i like men who look like donuts. i wanna live with a man who likes to pick his butt n smell it. im elida and like to get busy hahaha jkjk

love you elida, zach mother f*in karrer