Fuckin' Decisions

Silence is what I have learned to walk around with. Hiding my eyes away from the world so they don’t see how broken my soul and spirit are. I have no one to talk to. No where to turn. God please I beg for all of this to go away. I’m in hell. Everyone around me is so happy and that’s where I draw my happiness from but lately it’s not enough. Everyone around me is so unfair. When do I get to be happy again? Is that even possible. I just want to go away to mars Jupiter anywhere else but here. I want to leave my body behind my bad memories, my mistakes, my regrets. Everything. I’m tired of just venting. I don’t get my wishes my hopes my dreams all I get is hell as my punishment for wanting happiness. I prayed, begged and screamed for you God to help me. Why do I get this? Where did I go wrong… It would’ve been time now. Sooner or later. But I guess I will never know. All I wanted was us. Instead I get treated like scum by everyone. I don’t understand. But silence is all I can give people because I’m too nice to share my pains with anyone because in the end when I die all of this will be insignificant to anyone but me. I’m the one that cared. Everything else was just an illusion. RIP my baby mommy still loves you even though I will never get to hold you hear you breath laugh or grow up you will always be in my thoughts my prayers and in my life.

Doing much better! I’m not going to care about him anymore I tried everything. If he doesn’t want us tough luck because I want myself and my baby. I can stay positive thanks to my amazing friends and family. I feel so blessed to have such caring and loving people around me. I really feel their love and support radiating from their messages and texts and calls everything! For me and my baby! Thank you so mucho! Last night I got the crap kicked out of me by none other than my child to be but it is all worth it because it’s letting me know that it’s there and it is thankful for everything that I am doing for us. All the pain tears blood and sweat are all worth it! I would never push my situation  onto my worst enemy because it does suck a lot but I will prevail! :] Just keep us in your heart, thoughts and prayers and everything will be fine. God and the universe have a plan for us! <3

The best relationship of my life has ended. Why? Well because I’m pregnant and he doesn’t want it. I have begged and screamed and kicked about it but this is it. There is nothing I can do. *sigh* I have a little tiny me and him inside of me and the only person that is unhappy about it is him. Why God? Why? I have prayed. I have done the impossible. I have been patient but everyday I just feel like giving up and not trying anymore and then I feel a little flutter, a little kick… My Baby moving inside of me. I will not kill you my child. I am sorry for even considering it for your selfish daddy. Of course I will never tell you that ever. I have saved a life and I am proud. But why am I still so sad and lonely. I have no one. Alone. It sucks. Totally sucks to the fullest. But people say I’m strong…. Am I? I don’t know anymore all I know is that I am pregnant and it has ended my relationship because my love does not wish to have a little him and me running around in this world yet. Please! Stop! I love you so much. I hope you know that. You probably already do since you always see me crying for you. I wish I could change the way things happened. Change your mind, me getting pregnant, falling for you, meeting you, my existence. I want to leave this world go somewhere where heartache does not exists. I thought I had felt heartache but no, I was wrong unfortunately. Thing that sucks the most is that I still have to stay here with him because I have no place else to go. Or I just don’t want to give up on him but he lays besides my in my bed in our home not speaking a word to me. Doesn’t touch me. Doesn’t look at me. What did I do wrong? Was I such a horrible person. This baby is yours please love me and it. I just want to know that you love me too and that you also feel somewhat of a heartache. Theres nothing there he’s like a robot but worse. I don’t know what to do. I guess I just have to keep putting my pokerface to the world and act like it doesn’t phase me but it does. I don’t know how I will make it out alive out of this big dark hole. LOVE. That’s what it takes to kill me. I’m so stupid for thinking he would still love me if I aborted. Thank God I saved my baby. I love my baby. I won’t let anything like this happen to you. I will protect you and love you since I couldn’t get your father to understand. Instead he walked away from me. Am I wrong? I miss him. His lips on mine his breath his voice his smile. I still love you. I’m sorry for not aborting but I promise it was because I felt like it was the right thing to do. I will always miss you but I hope my little angel will bring my heartache to an end. Please don’t abort children they also hurt. But I will make it. I promise. Through this terrible heartache.

People are shady… I hate that.

I hate it i hate it i hate it!!

wndrfulelektric-deactivated2012 asked: you're back?? :D

Kinda lol back for more!! ahh I’ll jus post random crap im not great at writing… >.<

well here I am writing during the last minuets of Valentines Day. My first post in a while! I doubt any one really reads this but its a good place to get your daily shit out. I am listening to Valentine by Kina Grannis as I write this. Great super corniie song :) I hope that most of us had a wonderful day today but really treat each and every day like a special one you never know when one of your loved ones my not be there. Agh skittles are good!! Well Happy Valentines Day!! To all my sweet hearts you know who you are ;)

Love your dearest Elida<3